Things the Avengers shouldn't do in order to prevent pain
by danielrz
Summary: One-shots of things the Avengers have learned not to do twice. Intended to be humorous. Will include all Avengers.
1. 1,2,3 aka The 'American Pie' incident

**1: Watch ****_'American Pie'_**

Steve Rogers was told by Tony, then (somewhat reluctantly) Natasha, that he should watch _American Pie. _Steve, having been nicknamed this by the billionaire before, didn't even think before he put it on.

Deny it as he did, also, Steve was, really, very... sexually curious. He wondered how satisfying the pie thing was. So, he baked an apple pie.

Fresh out of the oven, Steve took off the apron he'd worn - the only thing he'd worn- and thrust his penis hard into the dish. There were only about 3 problems with this; 1. he had a roaring erection so he had to tilt the pie case, resulting in the contents falling onto his tense balls as 2. he rammed in so hard not only did he probably sprain something, but he also hit the sensitive head of his cock head-on to the hard metal dish at about 30 kmph whilst 3. the pie was still around the 400 fahrenheit used to cook it.

**2: Try heal by holding your cock in a shared freezer**

**3: Slam said freezer shut at said time**

Steve ran around the kitchen island and opened the door of the modern freezer residing below the fridge half of the metal box. After a drunken escapade, Tony had fitted the doors on everything to work like elevator doors. This was bad news for Steven and Clinton.

The all-American hero deftly held his cock gently between the shelves of the cooling unit because, though running under cold water should heal burns, he couldn't hold his dick under the tap for 10 minutes, and had gained a rather rational fear of freezing water.

Clint then, innocently, came round the other side of the island and noticed the freezer door open, but not the man crouching behind it who was, coincidentally, too engrossed in nursing his cock back to health to notice the other man's presence.

The newcomer took the opportunity to slam, rather hard, the door shut. Firstly, it clamped the super soldier's genitals before bouncing back with equal force, as programmed. Clint barely had enough time to acknowledge Steve's howl before the top corner swung round to catch him hard on the side of his balls and dick.

He dropped to the floor and siezed up with pain, returning to a fetal position alongside Steve. Clint recovered first and took his pants off before stumbling painfully across to the first aid cabinet and taking out some gel to the sensitive region. He leaned back against the counter with his legs spread wide a bit then squirted a generous splodge of the translucent blue stuff into his left hand then leaned across himself to put the tube on the counter behind, looking up as he turned back just in time to see Steve struggling to his feet and watching the marksman.

Then, Clint pulled the waistband of his briefs outwards with his right hand and, after a brief pause, suddenly shoved his left in and began massaging his balls and stroking his shaft. Steve swallowed and approached the moaning assassin, reaching him as he finished applying the soother.

"Clint?" he choked out, voice hoarse

"yeh?" Clint held his right hand protectively over his genitals and steadied them both with his left on Steve's. The captain looked to the gooey hand on his arm then back up into Clint's eyes before swallowing nervously.

"Could you do that for me?" he asked, still weak. Clint patted the arm he was resting on and smiled while reaching behind for the soother.

"sure" he replied, "sorry"

"it's okay, not all your fault" Steve told him. Clint just raised an eyebrow, having noticed the remnants of the pie on the floor as he walked in.

After splodging some more gel onto his left hand, Clint rubbed his hands together and let his right cradle and gently stroke Steve's ballsack as his right wandered to the other man's dick and then ran up and down it slowly, making sure to cover it all. Steve was soon grunting as Clint had done but after another moment accidentally released his load over both their stomachs and Clint's hands. His carer grinned wickedly and sucked the juices off his hands slowly, finger by finger and lapping at his palms and the back of his hands like a kitten, groaning and sighing out loud at the sweet taste. He then leaned down and sucked up all the cum from his own shirt before kneeling down and licking it all off Steve's bare stomach then smiling up at him and kissing the slit of his erect cock.

"All better now?" Clint grinned up and Steve could only moan in answer. "as I said, I'm really..." he licked up the underside of Steve's cock, "very..." he licked up the topside now, "sorry." Clint took half of Steve's massive cock in his mouth, fully aware of how the serum had enhanced him now, and hummed in approval. Clint had been described as a big mouth and whether that were true or not he was struggling here. Swallowing as far as he could he got another few inches but the man was well-endowed, Clint would put an estimate at around a foot long. It wasn't just that though, Steve's girth had Clint opening his mouth as wide as possible and the cock fitting nice and tightly, Clint's teeth and tongue helpless but to run over it as he began bobbing back and forth. As Steve groaned and tightened again, Clint settled on saying maybe three inches in diameter.

Steve, for as close as he was, was still that distance away before Clint began stroking up and down what he couldn't take in his mouth, raking his fingernails down the vein on Steve's dick before handling Steve's balls with his famous archer's fingers. Steve came at once, bucking into Clint's mouth as he emptied himself so much that, deep as he was, some of his semen still spurted out from between Clint's lips and dribbled down his chin.

Clint swallowing got Steve ready to go again, but he wanted to make Clint cum this time. Copying his grin from before, Steve kneeled down and licked his juices of Clint's face then licked over his lips again and again until Clint opened them and Steve was granted access to lick inside, winning against Clint's tongue for dominance and tasting himself there but leaving as Clint began to moan. He pushed him backwards so he was led on the floor but his calves were still beneath his thighs - he'd probably have pin ache in a few minutes so Steve needed to be quick. This position raised Clint's cock above the rest of his body, presented it to Steve as it strained against his briefs and pointed right at Steve's face, Clint's underwear too restrictive to allow it any further. That must be painful, Steve thought, then moved his palm to cup Clint's smaller, but still large, cock, causing him to whimper. Steve, kneeling in a predatory position, rocked forwards to bite at Clint's adam's apple, earning a long moan.

Clint then tried to sit up but Steve quickly spun on his knees until he could sit on Clint's torso, lowering himself slowly, his half-hard cock coming to lay with the head resting in Clint's belly button. This itself drew another long moan from the trapped man, who then said "I have a lovely view of your ass from here".

"is this better?" asked Steve, sliding back until his asshole presented itself practically on Clint's face, causing him to moan again before licking up and down the valley between Steve's cheeks. The sliding also dragged Clint's shirt up enough to reveal his well-toned oblique, Steve following the pelvis with his tongue before licking over the thin material of Clint's briefs and cupping his cock like he'd done before with his mouth. Steve started salivating through the fabric as he then sucked at the tender cock. Clint had stopped tending to Steve's ass to begin moaning and thrashing in pleasure, then found enough strength to start again and plunge his tongue into Steve's asshole, causing him to jerk forward in surprise and pleasure.

Steve now used his teeth, nipping at Clint's cock and balls still confined to his briefs before encircling his head with his lips and sucking then blowing. He only had to do this a few more times before Clint came, hips trying to buck as he flailed beneath Steve, reduced to cumming in his pants and having to leave his now limp cock resting in its bitter juices like an amateur.

When he was fully recovered, he brought his left hand up and stuck it into his briefs from a leg hole, coating his fingers. He then stuck the middle finger deep into Steve's hole, making his captor shudder and moan. This was quickly joined by another finger, then another, until Clint suddenly pushed all three knuckle deep at once, hitting Steve's prostrate and making him cum, squirting over both men's stomachs and Clint's briefs. By some miracle, Clint was hard again but Steve leaning forward to lap up his juices made him cum in his pants again, some of his semen slipping down his legs as there was no longer room in his briefs to contain it all.

Steve let him up and he eventually got to his feet with some help, briefs and semen squelching as he took a step forward, making his balls tighten and his cock force against the painful restraints. He tried to ignore as he stepped forward again, but this had his balls rub against his cum against the inside of his thighs, the friction making him cum again as he grabbed the island for support, his briefs tearing at the seams and cum spurting out, dripping down his legs and coating the floor.

Attempting one final step forward he slipped in his cum and landed cock-first on his pants, keys threatening to puncture his balls through his ruined briefs, a shout of pain echoing off the tiles as Steve pulled him up with one arm by his elbow.

"How'd I do?" the captain asked hopefully

"what?" Clint asked in return. Steve blushed and sheepishly looked at his feet

"That was... kinda my... first time" Steve looked back up at Clint when he finished.

"First time!? huh. You did great. just great..." Clint began to trail off as he painfully pulled his pants back on and hobbled towards the nearest door, and hopefully a medical center.


	2. 4,5,6 aka The exhibitionism escapade

**4: Try out exhibitionism**

Natasha was an adventurous girl. She was perfectly comfortable in her body and had never minded who saw what, intentionally flaunting it occasionally -cough- all the time -cough-, but she had never tried exhibitionism out until being practically forced to live in Stark Tower. Her room had a full-wall window overlooking the streets of Manhattan. More accurately, directly down a dingy alley. The window was useless except for one thing: stripping to the public.

The dingy alley had a club's back door open onto it, and countless one-night-stands waiting to happen snogging and, occasionally, fucking on the bins. Natasha thought she'd have some fun and put them off at the same time. So she removed the curtain rail, leaving on the floor, then kneeled up on her bed and slowly began peeling her shirt off before leaning her face against the window and licking in circles, catching in the eye of every male in the alley at once, like in a 4D movie when everyone thinks the spider is swinging at them specifically - and it was.

When her bra was revealed Natasha hooked the bottom of her shirt behind her head and began sliding her arms out of the sleeves carefully enough to present her breasts, hanging out of her too-small bra, to the nation. Hidden by the shirt, she grinned to herself. This _was_ fun. With both of her arms out she stood and pulled her shirt off from the collar, hair fluttering behind her as she leaned forward, revealing her ample bosom again and winking towards all the men before directing her attentions to her socks.

Natasha could make taking off socks look sexy, pulling the material away from her foot toe by toe then lifting her leg to remove the sock completely by her teeth. With the other foot it was simpler: turn around to show off your ass as you lean right down and pull off your sock.

She turned back around to slowly unbutton, then unfasten, her jeans, watching her own hands like a pervert, then faced away from the window again to shimmy out of them. She was left with her jeans around her ankles and only her lace underwear on, taking a coat hanger to her bra clasp before sliding the straps off as she brought the material round her front, squeezing her breasts together as she turned back around, throwing the bra behind her with both hands and allowing her breasts to bounce and bob and turn teenage boys in the process. The glass was soundproof but she was pretty sure she could hear a scream.

This was her, literal, downfall. She was about to step off the bed to put the shirt on the coathanger, providing a close-up of her ass for everyone, when she forgot about the jeans restricting her ankles, falling half-off the bed and hitting her breasts against the hard metal below the mattress, hissing in pain but recovering, putting her hands on the ground to go into a handstand and kick her jeans off while doing a hand-flip back to her feet, back to the window and her game back on. Her boobs hurt, though. A lot.

**5: Ban Natasha's exhibitionism**

Steve was arriving back at Stark Tower at that very moment, noticing the unusual level of noise coming from the skanky area to the other side he walked over to make sure there was no criminal activity.

No, just a massive orgy with all the guys getting off to something they were watching, two of them videoing it - cells held in their mouths as both hands were doing something else. Steve, scoffed, disgusted, but having only yesterday got his first taste of sexuality of the 21st century, was intrigued, and followed their line of sight to see... Agent Romanoff naked. Reading a magazine on her bed, legs spread wide and magazine resting in her lap as she leaned forward to focus on something, he supposed. Then she yawned, stretching her arms up, and closed the magazine before walking into the bathroom. Steve felt bad at having watched that, he wasn't vermin like the men who were so openly fantasizing about her.

Steve called Tony on his way to his room, Tony immediately getting the wrong end of the stick and wanting to "join in", but Steve suggested maybe replacing her mirror with one-way glass.

"No, Stark, she didn't know anyone was watching her. They're awful perverts, you should replace it with one-way glass- no! Better yet, window to see out but a mirror when you try to look in, that way all the scum can see themselves and be ashamed."

Tony laughed, "I really doubt she didn't know anyone was looking in, and if she didn't want you to then she would've shut the curtains-"

"No, I think they must of fallen down, I couldn't see them at the side."

"Spying on the agent?" Tony scoffed, "sound more like your an architect and you were landscaping her room".

"Whatever, fix it, I feel bad for her."

"ok, but you owe me."

"fine."

The call ended as Steve reached his room, tucking his cell away in his pocket before opening the door. Doing so, he revealed a certain marksman lying on his bed, watching TV.

"er, Clint?"

"Yes?" the archer waggled his eyebrows and turned the TV off, then noticed Steve's erection straining at his leather motorbike pants. Clint stood up, faking surprise "Do I get you turned on that quickly?" He smiled, and Steve smiled weakly back then blushed.

"No, I, um, accidentally saw Agent Romanoff naked." he sounded so sweet and embarrassed as Clint stopped trailing his fingers down the super soldier's t-shirt and looked up at his face, which was looking down at his.

"accidnetally?" Clint asked, wiggling an eyebrow again.

"Yeh, I don't know if she knows people can actually see in her bedroom window" he smiled at Clint, who then turned to look at Steve's window over his shoulder, noticing the curtains were open, then going over to shut them. While he was still turned away from Steve, he took all of his clothes off, then went to sit on Steve's bed.

"Come, sit on my lap." Clint patted his knees and Steve could do nothing but oblige. When he sat, legs wrapped around Clint's waist, the smaller man took his shirt right off, throwing it anywhere, before kissing him softly. Steve smiled into the kiss then became desperate as Clint's fingers joined his tongue. Steve groaned as Clint pulled back, but left his two fingers in. "Suck" he instructed as he began to thrust them in and out, letting his other fingers join them, then his thumb, then his whole fist, forcing his longer fingers to be swallowed as Steve grew harder, cock chafing against the leather and fists balling in the sheets, legs tightening around Clint's waist and drawing them so close that Clint's cock was now knocking against his everytime he brought his hand out a bit and forced it back in. As much as Clint loved the sex, he felt he needed revenge for the _American Pie_ incident.

He forced his wrist into Steve's mouth, allowing him to clamp his teeth around his arm just past his wrist bone before tucking his fingers together and pushing more of his forearm down Steve's throat, Steve throwing his head back and moaning, whimpering, groaning, and bucking his hips forcefully into Clint's, smashing hard into Clint's straight cock with his and compressing it between their pelvic bones, Clint's balls being squashed between the men and the matress, the assassin squealing as his cock became painfully erect at the contact, despite the pain of being smashed in the balls, resting naked against his stomach, turning red and throbbing, dripping with precum. Steve was entranced as he saw it like this, having expanded a little as it grew and the tip becoming vibrant. He wanted to lean down and suck on it, instead sucking harder on Clint's hand and arm.

That was when Clint removed his arm from Steve's mouth, Steve's groan only serving for him to grow harder somehow, bucking upwards at nothing, legs coming together like a girl before he brought his left hand, which Steve had just finished preparing, to it, holding the back of Steve's neck to make him watch, and stroking his middle finger over cock so gently from base to tip and back down, bucking up effortlessly again when his finger touched his slit. Steve began to lean down but Clint stopped him, kneeling up between Steve's vice-like legs and forcing his cock, now, down the other man's throat. Steve tried sucking again like before but Clint shaked his head, thrusting in and out of his mouth, fucking Steve's face. Both men were moaning and Steve was about to move his hand into his pants to help himself but Clint caught him with his right, dry, hand, warning him not to. Steve just groaned at the rule and Clint took his right hand to his own cock, joining it in Steve's mouth and filling him more while at the same time circling his shaft as his thrusts got faster.

Clint removed this hand when it was soaked with saliva and pre-cum, then thrust in deep, Steve barely able to take it all, with Clint's balls resting in his mouth. Clint thrust slightly, never letting his balls leave, before stopping altogether as Steve began to lick them and suck on them. Clint took this as an opportunity to put his wet hands inside Steve's tight leather pants - having to unzip them first. He shimmied the pants down a bit to let Steve's cock spring up some more, still cased in his tighter briefs - without being erect it would be impossible not to see the outline of his massive cock. Clint moaned at both Steve pleasuring him and the sight of it trying to escape. Not a chance. He wrapped his left hand around Steve's cock and took to squeezing his balls with his right, hard and frequently squashing them like a stress ball for an office worker. Steve began to buck up, now, too, and hum around Clint's impossibly ever-hardening cock, seeking seemingly unobtainable release. Clint moaned and removed his left hand from around Steve's cock to grab Steve's hands and force them into the own man's mouth to pleasure him further. Steve groaned at being used, bucking up some more before Clint returned his hand and began pumping Steve's cock quick, tight (because he could barely get his hand round it), and hard. Steve was endlessly cumming in his pants in no time, semen seeping out from the leg holes and the waistband, Steve screaming around Clint's cock making the other man cum, too, sending his semen right down Steve's throat and hoarsely telling him to swallow. Clint was still so, so, hard when he removed his cock, the member throbbing and the same color as Steve's face.

Clint grinned, licking his cum from Steve's lips then licking up what of Steve's cum was covering his stomach and legs. Steve sprung up in his briefs again, Clint grinning and sucking on the head of the member, squeezing his balls again. When Steve came almost immediately, cum exploding from the durable underwear, Clint lapped it all up then moved his hands to his own dick and balls, forcing Steve to watch him pleasure himself before taking the captain's hands and making him join in. Steve knelt up, then, too, kissing Clint roughly and biting hard on his lip making Clint do the same. Clint then moved one hand for his middle finger to run up the underside of Steve's cock before the man came hard gushing out and spilling semen everywhere, Clint licking his hand as the briefs, still tightly to clinging to Steve's still erect cock and full of his juices, began letting some drip down. Clint ignored this, though, as he came just as hard when Steve gave a forceful tug to one of his balls, letting their cums mix together on Steve's briefs, pants, bed, everywhere.

When he was recovered, Clint limped to his clothes and climbed into a vent by the closet. Steve had a long sleep until the next night, when Natasha barged in, wielding what looked like a curtain rail, and glared at him.

"Stark says it was you who blocked my window!" She growled before Steve held his hands up in surrender and tried to think of a way to explain he was just trying to be helpful but she didn't give him a chance. As soon as he stood up to slowly approach the danger she swung the rail swiftly up between his legs and storming out as he dropped to the floor in agony, Clint appearing 5 minutes later in the doorway she'd left open moments earlier to see Steve rolling around on the floor, then running off to find the soother again.

**6: Watch Natasha's exhibitionism**

Tony Stark wasn't the kind of guy to miss out on whatever Natasha had been doing, so typed 'naked girl stark tower' into youtube, as Steve had mentioned there had been guys videoing it. No doubt Nat would find out quickly that there were now 800 versions of her little show, and personally bodily harm the uploaders, but Tony hadn't uploaded anything, he was just going to watch. So he began to watch in bed on his laptop, then began to masturbate while watching in bed, then repeated the video, especially when she was upside down, breasts sagging a little with gravity and nearing her own face. He didn't notice Pepper come in, but she noticed what he was doing and slammed the laptop shut, catching his dick head in the process. He squeaked but she just gave him a half-dissappointed, half-angry look.

"Honestly, Tony, you said you'd stopped watching porn"

"I have, that wasn't porn, it was Nata-" he wasn't quick enough in realizing what he was about to say before stopping and Pepper just gave him an appalled look.

"_really?_ _Really, _Tony?" she was now definitely more angry, little bit of jealously creeping in, but mostly angry, "her?" Tony swallowed, knowing Pepper would promptly invite the deadly redhead to attack him. He probably wouldn't get any for a month, either.

As expected, five minutes after Pepper left the bedroom again, Natasha was there, holding a curtain rail in both hands. Tony grinned, that's where her curtains were. Then he remembered she was about to inflict and pain and his expression turned mortified, he swallowed before scrabbling to bury himself under the covers. It was useless, though, Natasha jumped through the air and nearly impaled Tony's cock onto the rail, slamming the metal stopper of the end right into his genitals, Tony let out a high-pitched squeal before she just sauntered out.


End file.
